about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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