Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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