the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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