Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
PS: I just woke up from my shower
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Couch. On fire.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
