4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
