I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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