My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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