my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
