remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
