I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
