i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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