If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
