hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
