Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
