My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
