Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
