Pants 0. Shit 1.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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