and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
