So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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