im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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