im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
