Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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