So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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