oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
