I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
