is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You pole danced in your parka.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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