2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
