If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
