So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
