According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
