It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dicks are not precious.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
