I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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