just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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