Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
