my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
