Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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