what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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