the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
