Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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