Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
