we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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