We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
