Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
