I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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