The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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