He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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