We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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