I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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