i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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