I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
