guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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