Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
