Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
