I didn't shave. On purpose
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
