apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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